5 Things I Learnt As a Therapist

I knew I wanted to be a psychologist when I was a teenager. Listening to people's stories is one of my favourite things to do. I had a lot of thoughts and ideas about how it would be: I would be connecting with people, analysing problems, facilitating a journey into clarity for my clients (and myself). I have not been disappointed. Therapy is in fact all those things, and more. Here are some things I have learnt being a therapist for the past couple of years:

1. Therapy takes energy, but it also gives energy. I have been asked more than once whether it becomes emotionally draining after a period of time listening to emotionally charged stories and being engaged in the experiences and problems of my clients. On some days, an unequivocal yes. But most days, strangely enough, that is not the case at all. Fully engaging myself in my sessions has more often given me more energy than drained it. It has happened that I have started a session feeling quite low and wondered how much I will be able to contribute to the session or how present I will manage to be. But therapy has been surprisingly good at making me go outside of myself and my own head for a while by engaging with another person with the intent to be there for them. An added bonus is that I usually come out of the session with a fresh perspective. Therapy can be therapeutic for the therapist too!

2. A therapist's job is not to please. The therapeutic process I believe facilitates fearlessness, not only in the client but also in the therapist. It can be difficult for a client to become aware of their maladaptive patterns of behaviour, but it does not do for a therapist to be afraid to bring it up. One of my favourite psychologists Carl Rogers spoke about three conditions that facilitate therapy: empathy (the ability to see the client's perspective), unconditional positive regard (a non-judgemental and supportive stance towards the client) and congruence (genuineness towards the client). An empathic and supportive stance towards the client doesn't imply blind agreement with the client's perspective or actions. A good therapist will hold up a mirror to the client's actions and help them recognize behaviour patterns, while being able to assume the client's perspective and be completely there for the client. It may not always be easy for a client to hear, but it need not be easy to hear for it to be necessary to hear. The client doesn't need to be enabled, the client needs to have a safe space to explore themselves with a therapist who can be genuine with them.

3. Managing time is tricky yet essential. This is a skill that I am currently learning but have not quite managed to master yet. It can be quite easy to get carried away beyond the set time of 45 minutes to an hour for a session in the flow of things, but I am learning that a "just go with the flow" attitude in this respect is neither practical or desirable. It can hinder the boundaries of the therapist-client relationship and create expectations where there should be none. It is important to note that one of therapy's inherent goals is to help the client avoid fostering dependence on therapy. My supervisor wisely says, therapy can be addictive, and while the client may find it difficult to stop talking in a space they feel free and comforted, I must become comfortable as a therapist ending the session when it is time. Boundaries are important, no matter the nature of relationship.

4. Every therapist is not the right match for every client. How one feels about therapy also has a great deal to do with the therapist himself or herself. A good fit will help create a "therapeutic alliance" - the very relationship between therapist and client on which change is based - and it could take time to find the right match. A bad experience may throw someone off therapy entirely. I have had a bad experience or two with my personal therapist when I was in college, such that I used to avoid therapy altogether for a few months until I was ready to try again with a different therapist. I don't think I really felt "heard" the first time around. I guess it depends on what one is looking for in therapy: is it primarily to have someone to simply listen? Is it to feel challenged into a deeper understanding of themselves? Is to be on free-flow or for there to be a particular format? Is is to tackle a problem head-on and systematically or for sessions to be more exploratory and self-reflective? It depends.

5. Therapy is not for everyone. Therapy is not a cure-all, and neither is it required or suitable for everyone. Therapy at its best is voluntary. There may be some resistance at times, and that is natural. But the overarching outlook for therapy to be conducive is to be open to it, open to the idea of creating a safe space with another person, being vulnerable and being supported. There is such a thing as being ready for it, and sometimes it is just not the right time or the right person (from the previous point) or the need of that particular hour. Therapy works most smoothly when it is not a forced alliance, although there are cases where it starts out as one and transforms into a willing partnership after. 

My journey with therapy so far has been really fulfilling for the most part. I am looking forward to learn more, because there is so much to it that I haven't even scratched the surface of yet in experience. 

“If I let myself really understand another person, I might be changed by that understanding. And we all fear change. So as I say, it is not an easy thing to permit oneself to understand an individual,” 

― Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy