She walked in hesitantly, looking down, hands deep in the pockets of her oversized grey jacket.
“Hi there Sara, come on in” I greet the newcomer warmly, although barely glancing at her name on the history sheet in front of me because I’m just a bit distracted and still looking for my favourite clicky-top pen. Once she is seated and I have temporarily abandoned my fruitless search, I smile, introduce myself to her and ask gently, “What brings you here today?”
“Well, I’m in a bit of a rough spot to be honest. I don’t know how much you’ll be able to help me, and I’ve never been for therapy before, but it would be nice just to feel heard in a non-judgemental way, I guess.”
“You’ve come to the right place then, because I would really like to hear what’s on your mind,” I say.
For the first time, she looks up and straight into my eyes, before quickly lowering them again and lapsing into silence. A long one.
I clear my throat, sensing her discomfort. “Hmm, before we talk about what’s bothering you, perhaps we could just start by getting to know you a little. What do you like? What don’t you like? Who are you, Sara?”
I thought I saw her cheeks flush a little on hearing her name. She clears her throat as well. “Umm, I don’t know where to start, but you could say I come from a small community. Till recently, I never got much exposure. I live in my hometown with my cousins. Well, I used to. Right now, I don’t really know where I belong.”
I nod for her to continue.
“I like winter, a lot. I find it a very peaceful and rejuvenating time. What I guess I don’t like is feeling hidden. I’ve always looked ordinary, I know, like everyone else, but I know I’m different. I don’t think my cousins particularly like me. They’ve always treated me like a nobody. I can remember, since I was young, all that I’ve ever wanted is to express myself and be loved as I am, but since no one at home encouraged freedom or asking questions, I’ve spent my entire life just keeping my nose down, hiding myself and being a good girl. But I have dreams too, you know?”
“Of course you do… what would you say your biggest dream is?”
“I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to get away from everyone familiar and go live my life. So I took a chance, I dyed my hair red and I left my hometown. I went travelling around the world.”
“That was very brave of you.”
For the first time during the session, Sara smiles. “Yeah, it was. It was this one evening back home, I was sitting in the marketplace, having a meal and I looked around and my cousins were there running around among all the vegetables and animals and being generally snotty. And I just felt like I didn’t fit in. I felt so incomplete, so terribly lonely, and in my heart, I just knew I was done hiding.”
“Mhm, sounds like that was a real turning point for you.”
“It really was. First, I explored all of Asia and then Europe and North America. It was so exhilarating! I had promised myself I wouldn’t hide my true self anymore. I was meeting so many new people on my journeys and the people were really welcoming. They took me by the hand and showed me around and into their homes. In my free time, I would visit the zoos as well. I even took a selfie with a tiger in New York City!” A real excitement showed on Sara’s face, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I like tigers as well, and animals too,” I said, glad she had started warming up to me. “And then what happened?”
“Well, I was really enjoying myself. It felt so liberating, just being me. Every place I passed, I felt like I left a part of myself behind, and for the first time I could fully expand my lungs and breathe, you know? But then I started to notice something strange.” Her face darkened, and she looks down again.
“Soon, I started meeting fewer and fewer people on the streets, and the reception had turned sour quite drastically. And the people that were around on the streets, well, they just refused to acknowledge my existence at all! It was all very weird…”
“Hmm, that’s indeed pretty strange… what do you think brought about this change?”
Sara sighed. “It felt like the more I was expressing myself freely, the more I pushed people away from me. But it doesn’t make sense to me. This is actually why I’m here today, attending this session.”
I was intrigued. “How do you mean?”
“I follow your blog,” Sara says, giving me a long and piercing look. “In one article, you said that being genuine was a powerful force that people can’t resist, that people intuitively understand. I have been more myself than anyone can imagine these past couple of months. How could being genuine drive people away instead of bringing them closer?”
Before I could do anything more than look at her, Sara continues, “I know what hiding feels like, and that was painful too. People didn’t like me then either. And now I’m genuine and that doesn’t quite work like you said. I need to know: Does this mean I’m just really unattractive no matter what I do?” She took a deep breath. “I feel like because of me, every area I’ve crossed, every life I’ve ever touched has led to suffering.”
For a second, I was at a loss for words as I look on at Sara’s helplessness. “But what makes you say that?” I ask, concerned.
“I don’t know why it happens, but I hurt people. Maybe my being me is painful for them. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be free to be me.”
“That’s fair, Sara, wanting to be free. But I’m intrigued by your belief that you hurt people…What makes you say that? What would you say is the essence of your interactions with these people you say you’re hurting?”
“Honestly, I was just so excited to leave home, I was so eager to experience everything and know everyone, I’d involving myself in every activity, every experience, going to every carnival, every theatre. I think I have a lot of energy that’s hard to handle. I think I exhausted everyone around me. At first everyone humoured me, but then it’s like they got to know me and somehow I was no longer welcome.” I couldn’t think of anyone in that moment who looked as utterly dejected as she did.
“Well, you know,” I said kindly as Sara looked up again, “everyone wants to be able to just be. It’s not easy to do though sometimes, the situation doesn’t always allow itself, but I think it is a very natural and core desire of every person to be free, to express themselves without guilt. Just think about every being, we start out as a single cell and then it’s in our nature to multiply and become more complex and keep evolving. You’re doing the same… And although I don’t exactly understand what your situation is, and perhaps you’re not ready to share everything right this moment, but I do know that this is the nature of things, Sara, and as painful as it sometimes can be, it’s also alright to be going through this.”
“You really mean that?” she said.
“Yes, I do… we influence each other and even people we don’t know in so many ways. We watch people and are inspired or hurt or loved and it’s a complicated world. I really like what you said about leaving a part of yourself every place or person you visit, because that’s how it is. We’re all interacting with one another often not knowing what we are taking with us and what we’re leaving behind.”
“Mhm.”
“But having said that, I wonder if in your eagerness to reach out to everyone in your act of “being free”, perhaps you encroached in some way on other people’s freedoms?”
“You mean that thing they say about your freedom ends where another’s freedom begins?” Sara looked thoughtful. “Maybe…”
“And there’s no doubt that with 7 billion people and 7 billion people’s freedoms, there will be clashes. It’s not ideal, but it’s very natural too in the order of things, and we can try to find a way to work around it with the least number of casualties, you know?” I chuckled. "It's not easy, the balancing act of exercising our free will in a way that doesn't impede those of others, and as I usually say you won't be able to please everyone, but operating with assertiveness while still giving other people their due space sure goes a long way, what do you think?"
“Maybe,” said Sara again, looking contemplative, and something in me sensed that I was losing her; she was no longer really listening to me, or perhaps I hadn’t quite understood her as well as I thought. In any case, I knew it was time for the session to end. I straightened up and said,
“I appreciate how candid you have been, Sara. Thank you for letting me in, as much as you could... It must have been hard to have stayed hidden for so long, and although this new phase has its own challenges, it looks like you still had a chance for it to be your moment. That was important too, huh?”
Sara gave a start as if my words broke her out of her reverie. “Yes,” she mumbled. “But I think I’m done travelling for a while. If you can believe it, I suppose there's a strange freedom in laying low too at times. I think I may head back to a quiet place and recuperate for a couple of days. In any case, it’s getting too hot to keep travelling.”
“If that’s what you need,” I said, observing her intently, still wondering what I was missing.
“Thank you for listening,” Sara said, grasping her bag close to her. “I don’t know if I’ll be seeing you again, but I think I needed this. I know you don’t have all the answers, I know I couldn’t tell you everything, but it was really nice to have this space to talk.”
“You’re welcome,” I smile. “I sincerely hope for you that you'll be able to balance things soon.”
“Thank you. At this point, I think some level of distancing helps,” Sara said, smiling sadly, as she gets up to leave.
As the door closes behind her, I look down at her history sheet to jot down my session notes, clicky-top pen finally located at the edge of the table, when my eyes linger for a second on her name: Sara Z. Covtu. It’s an unusual name, I think to myself, for an unusual girl. For some reason, the session has left me a little breathless.
